A Secret Life of a Geek

I’ve migrated to my own Domain for this WordPress Blog.

Please go to http://geektoy4t.provocativegeek.com

Thank you!

-Geek C

I’ve been debating how to start this post for about 2 days now.  So please excuse my writing if any of this sounds confusing.  And if you choose not to associate me on Twitter or this Blog after reading this, I understand,  I don’t want to hide my mistakes and realize some people may not approve of my actions.  But I feel this is a way of forgiving myself for my mistakes.   And I always welcome questions, suggestions, comments, etc.

For this past two to three months I have been working very hard to repair damage that has been done to my marriage with T (@LuvMyGeek).  From an outsiders view, most of this damage was done last year due to my extensive Business travel schedule.  I can probably count on both hands the number of weeks that did not include travel in 2009.  During this period communication and eventually trust broke almost completely down between T & myself.  But the damage goes back much further…probably almost 7 years.

T became pregnant only 2 months after we were married.  I was still in DC while she lived in KC with her two children from a previous marriage.  Immediately this physical separation combined with her being pregnant with Little C caused immediate strain on our marriage.  When this occurred, the comfort levels that I previously had with T went away.  A few months later I moved back to KC (3 months prior to Little C’s birth), but during this time, a part of me emerged that T had never seen.  I have an Anger Management problem.   I’ve had it for many years, probably back as far as early adulthood.  For many years I admitted to myself that I had a problem.  But I never did anything about it until this past Monday.  As of then I am seeking Professional help and receiving treatment for my Anger issue.

So what led to me seeking treatment finally?  To say I made a huge mistake would be an understatement.  While running errands on Sunday I received a call from T which let into a major argument.  I told her I would call her back and rudely hung up on her.  When I called her back, she would not answer the phone.  I kept trying.  In the meantime, my anger was building while I was returning home and constantly trying to call her.  (What I found out later is that T was on the phone with my Mother).  By the time I arrived at home, my Anger was at a magnitude that I had never felt before.  I stormed into the house, yelling, calling T names…all in front of our 6 year old Daughter.  I honestly don’t know how long the yelling lasted.  During this I had thrown things, kicked things, and repeatedly called T names.  This was the worst I had ever yelled at her.  All of this in front of our Daughter.  I knew I was wrong, but I could not stop.  Every time I’d pause, something was said by either of us and I started up again.

The next thing I knew, a Police Officer was at our door.  (Note:  Since I have known T, I have only place a hand on her in Anger once, which was about 5 years ago.  I regret it, promised her it would never happen again, and to this day it hasn’t).  The Officer asked me to step outside and questioned me (and lectured/preached) for what seemed like 10-15 minutes.  He then had us return to inside the house where I was ordered to be seated on the couch with my hands in view.  He questioned T in front of me while waiting for his backup to arrive.  T explained to him that it was only an argument and no physical altercations occurred.  The Officer explained that he could arrest me on the basis of using Profanity in front of a Minor.  After his backup arrived, the question T alone while the backup officer stayed with me.  After that, the officer basically gave me the choice that I could either leave for the night or be arrested.  Although I didn’t want to leave, the last thing I wanted was to be arrested in front of my Daughter.  The other officer actually escorted me to my bedroom and watched every move I made while I packed a bag.   I gave Little C a hug & kiss and told her that I was going to work for the rest of the night.  She’s only 6, but she knew better.  (Afterward, T assured her that I was not going to jail).  I then hugged T goodbye and promised her this will never happen again. (Also, I have talked to Little C and promised her Daddy will not act this way ever again – she promised to tell me to go to “Time Out” if I start to yell).

As I was leaving the officer hinted, if you come back tonight, we will not arrest you.  T & I talked on the phone as I drove around and sat at Starbucks for the next several hours.  At that point, it was one of the more productive conversations we’ve had in many years.  She then asked me to come home and I got to see Little C and the older kids (T’s children from her previous marriage returned while I was out) before their bed time.  And the next day I was sitting in the Psychiatrist office…T by my side for support.

So you’re probably asking… what let to this argument?  Basically, I lied & hid something from T.  On my second trip to China last year, I had met a female at a Bar in Shanghai the night before I returned home.  All that happened here was talking.  No physical contact or anything.  We exchange emails and we conversed for the next month.  I never had any intention on taking this any further.  I never intended on leaving T.  I was hurt and looking for attention .  At the time I thought T didn’t love me anymore, I soon realized I was wrong.  I then ended the emails and blocked the email address.  I rigorously began working on repairing my relationship with T (I even promised her I wouldn’t travel in January on Business and canceled two trips.)   I thought I had deleted the emails, but there was one folder that contained several.  T found these on Sunday while I was running errands.  You can now connect the dots.

In all cases above, I was wrong.  I admit it. I wanted to cover things up, but it only made everything worse. By denying my Anger issue, I prolonged having normal communication with T.  Because of this, I was afraid to talk to T.  Because of this, I went down what could have been a destructive path.  But I am now facing my fears.  I am facing my Anger issues.  I can now talk to T.  In the past 5 days, T and I have had more productive conversations than in the past 5 years.  If she snips at me, I don’t yell back.  I can calmly talk to her.  Yes, I may be hurt or get upset during these conversations, but now have control of myself.

I am lucky.  T still loves me.  We are now working together to make our marriage the best it can be.  I look forward to that and what may come afterward.

T – I am sorry for all the pain I caused.  I vow to never put you and the family through this again.  I love you with all my Heart.

Thank you everyone for your time to read the long drawn out details of this posting.  I could have omitted a lot, but I wanted you to know the details of my mistakes and actions.  I hope if you’re reading this and are in a similar situation that you can realize that honesty with not only your loved ones, but yourself is needed in life.

-Geek C

After an emotional whirlwind of a week, at the end something happened.  I found renewed inspiration for my Passion of Photography.  Not sure what triggered this renewal…it may have been a combination of factors, but I’m motivated again.  Of course having a beautiful subject like T (@LuvMyGeek) is always inspiring!

I’ve renewed my Deviant Art account and uploaded additional photos.  This site contains just General Photography (a few of T, but no Nudity – you’ll have to beg for those – LOL), but I would like to share my Captures.  The site link is:

http://gatorcdl.deviantart.com

So in celebration of my renewed Inspiration, please enjoy this previously posted pic of T.

-Geek C

Hot T Librarian

Like my emotions this week, my thoughts washes up and fades away.  I hope they will soon return in full force.  Until then, please enjoy a photo I captured one morning in St Thomas.

–Geek C

Morning Star Tranquility

“Zen” Joke of the Day

A samurai once asked Zen Master Hakuin where he would go after he died.
Hakuin answered ‘How am I supposed to know?’
‘How do you not know? You’re a Zen master!’ exclaimed the samurai.
‘Yes, but not a dead one,’ Hakuin answered.

T - Even More Beautiful

T,

7 years ago you said “I do”.  Did you have any idea we’d be where we are today?  That day (and weekend) 7 years ago in Washington, DC I will never forget.  I still remember all the details…the smile on your face, the snow, the Filet Dinner…seems like it was just last night!

You are an Amazing woman. I knew the first (official) night we met in Overland Park that you were special.  Even though I moved 1000 miles away shortly after that, our spark from that night remained.  We played our games, but I gave into your Alluring Spirit (I’ll let you tell that story…) (attn readers – be sure to ask!).  It wasn’t easy from there, but we endured…and we prevailed.  We’ve endured so much since then, but it all has only made us stronger.  This past year was probably the toughest test in our 7 year marriage.  But this challenge has yielded the best results.  Our relationship is now the strongest it’s ever been.  The fact that you put up with me, especially this last year, really shows how much you love me.  I am a very lucky man.

I love you very much T.  Happy Anniversary Sweetie!

-Geek C

T - Feb 14 2003

C - Feb 14 2003

I was able to get a few pics this afternoon during the ATL  Snowstorm (LOL).  Hope you enjoy them.

-Geek C

Once again today I had words that I wanted to express.  But these words just won’t come out at this time.  So instead of Words, please enjoy a photo of my Beautiful @LuvMyGeek (T).  She is my motivation & inspiration.

-Geek C

My Beautiful T - St John

This is more of a “poll” rather than a Blog entry.

The Truth.  It’s always good to tell the Truth.  I believe that statement.  It’s a rule to live by.  But isn’t there always an exception to every rule?  What if the Truth could hurt someone more than help?  I know this is a very broad question and could vary from situation to situation.  But if hiding the Truth has no other consequences, what would you do?

If you are reading this, please comment below.  Everyone’s opinion is greatly appreciated.

-GeekC

No one said life is easy.  And I’ve never heard that marriage (relationships) is easy.  It’s definitely not.  It takes work…constant work to remain balanced with your partner.

But how do you find that balance?  More importantly, when you find that balance how do you maintain it?  I know both answers require hard work from both sides of the equation.  But is it possible to try to hard?  Sometimes I feel that I do try to hard which causes the opposite results of my goal.  Should I ease my efforts to let this hard work balance out on the other side?

I want balance.  In order to build further in the relationship, we have to find and maintain balance.

I may pause to re-evaluate the equation, but I will never give up.

-Geek C